the lines blur, distort, rearrange
‘round hollowed-out cylinders
cinders and husks
a man, empty face, white hair
sits undead on stoop, eyes
surveying cracked streets, upheaval
mailbox in pieces, and so is the mailman
we are all functions
we are all reduced and equivalent
the earth spat up its dead,
gaping graveyards
perfume of 100 years of sweat and tears
white granite ionic columns
crumbling
onto streetlamps, traffic lights, and forgotten idols
what is this existence
we are roaming pavement fields
we are building nothing
[
a young man asked me the other day
“where does the city end and the forest begin?”
they are all the same, son
]
a young man asked me the other day
“where does the city end and the forest begin?”
they are all the same, son
]
1 comment:
well to start, i don't really care for the title, it's kind of blantant, i like there to be some mystery.
i read a play today, and am reminded of that by your poem because some parts seem like setting details. i'll go by stanza:
the lines blur, distort, rearrange
‘round hollowed-out cylinders
cinders and husks
blur and distort are a bit redundant, you don't really need both, you could substitute all three words with one and have the same effect and imagery, although you haven't defined what lines those are exactly, the reader can safely assume.
a man, empty face, white hair
sits undead on stoop, eyes
surveying cracked streets, upheaval
this is what I was refering to with setting details, you're painting a scene yes, but not much else, feels like it should have been the first stanza kind of.
mailbox in pieces, and so is the mailman
we are all functions
we are all reduced and equivalent
like this
the earth spat up its dead,
gaping graveyards
perfume of 100 years of sweat and tears
like this also, but i would get more detailed with the image presented, it's a strong one so could use more. i would also spell out "100"
white granite ionic columns
crumbling
onto streetlamps, traffic lights, and forgotten idols
too much description of the columns, reader probably knows what color they are, as well as what they are made of. i would only specifically mention that they are white if you're going to contrast that image with something else.
what is this existence
we are roaming pavement fields
we are building nothing
me likes
[
a young man asked me the other day
“where does the city end and the forest begin?”
they are all the same, son
]
i would use italics over brackets probably, this is where i think you should get your title from, somehow. overall i think there are some great images, and you present the scene well, but it could use a lot more detail. the poem could be a lot longer, i know i have mentioned "the wasteland" before, its the same idea as this more or less. i would try and say things more succintcly, but not in a way that you're just kind of listing images, y'know? i look forward to reading the final version if you post it.
Post a Comment