to overcome excellence
to offset greatness, to break what’s fixed
to disorientate the orientated
beauty/shackles
to sever ties with conventions
to stand on citadels with
black wind in face
to shudder and be moved to tears
by that unquestionably
enamoring grotesquerie
to lay prostrate and
bury one’s face in dirt
to taste hell and to know
that no plain heaven can
exist without desirable hell
to splash neutral walls with red
to topple the white king into some abyss
to embrace stone and
know false gods are real
to bow in empty temples
and smile and nod and
embrace amongst the forgotten symbols
(this is part one of what might be something of a tour de force for me. i have yet to write anything of "epic" length, but this series might stray into that area. the already posted piece empty temple may end up as part of this series.
is "disorientate the orientated" too much of a mouthful? i always want to say "disorient the oriented" but obviously that is incorrect :P )
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well, it's good. i'm hoping it will be part of something larger because it would work better that way. mostly because of the repetition. this would be nice as an introduction and something else could follow from a different perspective. "disorientate the orientated" is kind of a mouthful. i would put the words on a separate line, same with "unquestionably
enamoring grotesquerie." i would actually just change it to "unquestionable." some of your line breaks are a little odd too. i do recognize a pattern, but i'm not sure if it's coincidental because you don't seem to be following it.
i think empty temples would be good with this, maybe a revised (sub)urban decay could fit too. some nice images here. i especially like the last line "to topple the white king into some abyss." if you wanted you could elaborate on some points, just to take it a bit further. i'm looking forward to the final draft and reading the poem as a whole.
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